Parenting Through Seasons of Loss
An interview with Joe and Keijo Bollinger
The past two years have been tumultuous for many families. Would you mind sharing a bit about what your family’s experience has been like?
Joe: For us, 2019 was new and exciting, our first year with no preschoolers—then the pandemic hit before the school year was over and we had all four of our children back at home for eighteen months. We don't have a house that allows for any extra space, so it was very disruptive.
Keijo: Life has been so unpredictable, and I know it hasn’t been this way for everyone, but I can’t think of a single part of our lives that hasn’t been impacted. We’re constantly re-evaluating and trying to figure things out, and that hasn’t wrapped up for us yet. I’ve seen in me, and in others, that our capacity to handle stress has been squeezed.
Joe: My job in ministry is all about people, and when the pandemic began, we were in a season of full-time fund development, trying to have one-on-one appointments with people, while not being able to leave the house—it was really hard. And then I lost my dad to Covid at the end of 2021. Navigating the dynamics of the funeral and everyone’s expectations was exponentially harder in the midst of the pandemic, and we’ve had to make some tough choices. Overall, it’s been a season with lots of loss, lots of disappointment, lots of grieving, lots of adjusting.
How have you navigated all the big emotions that have come with the past couple years while being together in such a tight space?
Joe: It’s been challenging. We live in a house that has vaulted ceilings and hardwood floors and it’s like a giant echo chamber. We’re loud and expressive people, and several of us can easily go into sensory overload. We’ve hit a lot of breaking points—multiple times a day. I’ve found my own temper triggered, and I didn’t even know I had a temper.
Keijo: I would love to say that we always respond graciously, but that’s not true. We value empathy and emotion. But in the past few years, it’s been hard to show up really well, when I don’t have a lot to give. So I’ve learned to circle back after an intense, emotional moment has passed to talk about what happened. Sometimes I realize my response—like wanting to give them five thousand consequences—may have been appropriate to my feelings in the moment, but not to the actual situation. Sometimes I have to choose to believe what my child is saying when they tell me I wasn’t listening well. Our kids are good at humbling us, it’s been one of God’s tools in our lives helping us grow.
Joe: As an adult, I've gone through counseling to learn how to name and express my feelings, an ability I lost somewhere along the way. Experiencing my children's uninhibited emotions, though challenging, has been a gift, showing my heart how to feel. We try to give our kids permission and validation for what they’re feeling. I think there’s value in asking: Why is this child so devastated by this? We get to learn from them—though whether or not we lean into that opportunity depends on our own capacity at the moment.
Joe: One of our children, while they were sharing about their day, turned to me and asked: “Are you listening?” And I said, “I am. I just have had my own day too and I’m still kind of stuck in that, but I’m listening.” Let’s be honest. I want to be so engaged, but I’ve just had my own killer day. Some things that have worked well for us in this season have been opportunities to be outside, opportunities to give one-on-one focused attention, and utilizing technology in strategic ways.
Keijo: We’re on a journey of discovery with our kids that will last for a lifetime. There are things about the ways our kids are made that can help their well-being. The transition of going from home back into school has been good, because it’s widened their social circle. As much as we need time together, we also need time apart. One kid in particular needs more going on, after school clubs and volunteering have been opportunities to meet that need.
How has the individuality of your kids played into their grieving process with the loss of Joe’s dad?
Joe: Their personalities have given unique shape to how they experience disappointment, and we’ve observed them all grieving in different ways. When they first heard about their grandpa, we had one child flailing on the ground, screaming. And I just sat down with them and held them and we cried together and I said, “This is the hardest loss you’ve ever had. This was really devastating and you loved him so much. And this is really the worst thing that could have happened. And none of us would have wanted this.” And another kid was like, “Well, he's dead. I wonder if Oma is gonna marry another guy.” And another sibling was really offended by that, so we had to help them understand, “That’s just where they are right now, and they’re dealing with the facts, and that’s normal, and that’s okay because that’s where they are.”
Keijo: We were thankful we were able to go up for the funeral. There was an opportunity for one of our kids to go back to see his body at the viewing. In part because of their age, in part because of their personality, they were verbalizing, “I wish I had more time with him. But I know this is what happens to old people and there’s nothing I can do about it.” They were just articulating that and touching him, and it wasn’t something I would have normally thought to do, but it was an important part of their grieving process.
Keijo: While we were there for the funeral, God arranged it for us to stay in a place where there were a lot of farm cats. It was honestly a really sweet thing the Lord did because we’re not really pet people, but it was such a source of comfort for them to go out and cuddle with the kittens. It was a sweet gift in the midst of a really painful time.
How else have you seen God show up for your family in this season?
Keijo: It’s hard to walk a child through something like grief, when I’m still learning how to walk through it too. I’ve seen God be faithful by bringing other people in to help our kids in their process of grieving, where maybe I didn’t have the ability to help. It’s encouraging that while God gives me the responsibility of partnering with him, his activity in my kids’ lives isn’t all on me. One thing I think we’ve done well in the last few years is to reach out to people who have a certain skill set to get help that goes beyond our experience or knowledge base.
Keijo: We recently reached out to a parent coach, a professional person who gives input into how to parent well. We’re going to have the opportunity to get some time with them. And we’ve benefited a lot from counselors and friends with counseling backgrounds.
Joe: We really value help. We lean into our pediatrician a lot. When we’ve experienced a specific emotional and behavioral pattern with one of our kids, we’ve asked our doctor to talk to us about it, and that’s honestly been life changing.
Keijo: We’ve seen God give us the gift of clarity at times in a way that’s been wonderful. And it’s not like all of a sudden we have a total understanding of our kids’ needs. But In a particular area, at just the right time, I’ve seen God give us just a little more understanding, and it’s been just what we need.
Keijo: At one point one child was experiencing some really big emotions, and saying some things that might have been alarming. And I asked if I could make them a cup of tea, and it helped them calm down. It reminded me of the story of Elijah, where God gave him what he needed, which was food and sleep. We’re whole-bodied people. And sometimes we have to take things moment by moment.
Thank you so much, Joe and Keijo, for sharing with us about the journey you're on parenting by honoring emotions, grieving loss, and leaning on others. We're so thankful for your family!